Sometimes I wish I were a sheep

I saw The Sheep Detectives on Sunday. Matinee show with my partner. I liked it, it was cute.

I’ve always wondered what it was like to have a flock of my own. A group of people who’re always there for me. A group I can herd to, and enjoy my time with.

Can a winter lamb be born in July?

I have my game night group sure, but that’s not quite what I mean. I’m still feeling like they don’t really make an effort to include me, which is fine I guess, I’m invited and that’s what matters with them. But it’d be nice if I had friends who I could be open and vulnerable with.

Sometimes I have these thoughts and I feel ungrateful for the friends I have, like somehow I’m wrong for needing the social aspect of my humanity to be fulfilled.

When I was a freshman in highschool (That’s grade 9 of 12 for the eurofolks, age 14) I sat down in the cafeteria with my friends. The same friends I’d sat with every day for the previous… 7 years? S’barro Golf Course, Statue of David, and Justin Case (names obviously changed to protect the innocent) we’re as good of friends as I’d ever had at the point. Nevermind that Justin Case was always riding his high horse, or that Statue of David acted much hotter than the shit he was. I was there for S’barro. I didn’t know it at the time, but S’barro Golf Course was my first male crush, a rarity, something I’ve only experienced (maybe) 3 times in my life. Someone, I couldn’t remember which of the trio, said something. Something that changed me forever. And I don’t even remember what it was.

I never sat with them again. Sometime in junior year Justin Case tried to sit with me at lunch once but I had changed by then. I wasn’t the same kid.

I was never in the closet. Well, thats a lie. Once when I was 12 my father asked if I was gay. He’s got this way of speaking that doesn’t blend well with my autism. He’s got this scratchy voice, and he’s pretty booming. I got scared, I read his tone as meaning that it wouldn’t be ok if I was. I said “no, I’m not gay”, and left it there. But that was a lie too.

I’m gay as fuck

I’m so gay that when I realized that I liked girls in a gay way, I started transitioning femme. That’s not true, but like, imagine?

Anyway, back to what I was talking about. Where were we?

…sheep…
…vulnerability…
…high school…
…

Oh right, S’barro Golf Course and the permanent ramifications of silent rejection. (Jeez that book sounds awful, I should write it and make a fortune selling it to all the queer kids that got tricked into reading harry potter before they knew Joanne is paying to make them illegal)

So, while I had this sitting in my drafts, I actually realized that I DO know why i’m like this.

15 years later I still feel like I glommed onto someone else’s group of friends. I didn’t make the effort, I just showed up one day and I was in. They don’t feel like my friends. Well, one of them does, but the rest not so much.

A few weeks ago I went to starbies to play some board games with that friend. We do that sometimes. I’d like to do it more. After our fifth or sixth round of tak became an endless series of “who’s turn is it again?” the topic of conversation changed to one of the friends in this group. Not the group who will henceforth be known as S’barro Golf Inc, but the other one, Games Inc. So my friend (I’ll call them Darnelliot) asks me how I feel about the CEO of Games Inc. I answer honestly, of course (I’m not a liar, except for those two earlier), and confess that while I love the CEO of Games Inc, I’m not sure if I feel the same type of reciprocation. It’s important for me in an organization to feel like I belong, to have effort put in to make me feel welcome. I don’t want to be a faceless cog, or just a butt in a seat. I want to be an active participant. I want my name to be known. I want to be someone. The CEO of Games Inc doesn’t make me feel like I’m someone.

It turns out the CEO of Games Inc and I have similar instincts, the difference is they’re older, set in their ways, deeply jaded, and very willing to just exist in a room with people because it feels better than being alone.

I think Darnelliot told the CEO what I said. Probably not verbatim. Maybe not even directly about me. Darnelliot is the grandmaster of tact if there ever were one.

I’ve had a lot more messages from the CEO lately asking to meet online, asking my advice, asking for my company on liesure activities. I feel included lately. It feels good.

Thanks for reading, Love y’all
Nora

#friends #sheep #TheSheepDetectives #lookingback #anamnesis #sbarro #feelsposting #healing

Nora Bell

@Nora

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Hey 😀

I’m Nora (they/she). I’m some nerdy girl adjacent thing. I make code, I selfhost, I tinker with stuff. I play guitar and am teaching myself synth with a eurorack sim.

I love hiking and biking. I’m in school to get my degree in software dev (finally).

Check out my website here https://snowebell.cc/

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